Friday, December 19, 2008

Dang.

Why do people with offensive breath always have secrets to tell? There is nothing worse than the union of stale red bull, jagermeister, cigarettes, fast food and beer. Most of the time, their horrid breath is so distracting, that i can't even hear what they're saying. The stench is like static. God. Someone should make some kind of portable breath potency meter. So you can know if your about to ruin someones night with some JAMMING-ass breath...And to make matters worse, when I turn my head or move my body in such a way as to avoid said funkiness, the source,(who is usually drunk), interprets this as an invitation to get closer. This is usually the time that I wish for special powers. Something like neuro-muscular electrical signals that I could send though my eyes, into the target's bowels, causing their rectum to spasm uncontrollably, ending the conversation...instantly. I then begin to think about the face that I would likely make while invoking such an ability. It would be a very intense face indeed. One raised eyebrow, one eye, no doubt much larger than the other with focused psychic power. I then begin to imagine what kind of toll this ability might take on my body. Maybe the strain of using this ability would cause me to crap my pants too? If that were the case, i would have to use my powers only when it was absolutely necessary. Instead of thwarting the funky of breath, i would be limited to intervening on life and death situations only. Stopping would-be hostage takers and then shunning the cameras and media attention because I just smoked the tires in my shorts.. Maybe the smell of the criminals' drawers would be too overwhelming, and the media wouldn't even notice my shame...fuck it...too risky....better choose a new power.

7 comments:

IP said...

You are awesome. That was great.

kw said...

this is very complex and disgusting at the same time.
i do my best to avoid drunks in the first place, so as to not have a pants-crapping incident, but if i did encounter a drunk, i guess magical powers would be the way to go. my name's kerry. in case that mattered.

Kill Tandon aka Castron Dillon aka Roya Roya said...

IP, thank you, your input means a lot to me. Kerry, Working in a bar can be a mutha sometimes, wish i could avoid some of these clowns, but I have to sit by the door...writing about it helps to dispel some of that stress. My name is Nick, but you can call me Nightbridge,(way cooler).

kw said...

i know what restaurant work is like. that's why i quit the other day! i'm not very good at pretending to care about what people want to eat. nightbridge reminds me of nightrider for some reason. are you as awesome as circa 1984 david hasslehoff? do you solve crimes in a pontiac? let's hope so.

Kill Tandon aka Castron Dillon aka Roya Roya said...

I start crimes...in a miata, I guess that makes me an Anti-Hoff...

kw said...

merry christmas..,i guess.

Kill Tandon aka Castron Dillon aka Roya Roya said...

Ditto